Tonight, I went to the movie theater alone
to watch a movie my mom
recommended to me
from 500 miles away.
I wish we had seen it together.
I wish I could hear her initial thoughts
and opinions and insight and
I leave feeling almost numb.
I push open the exit doors
dreaming of when I left the Barbie movie
with my 3 best friends last summer
crying,
silent.
I’m yearning for their presence,
even their silence.
We’ve been trying to plan
a group FaceTime for weeks and
On the walk home
a family passes by me
on their way into the ice cream shop.
A mommy and a daddy
and 3 young kids skipping
far past their bedtime
and I lose it.
I mean guttural sobs
I don’t even recognize,
missing a childhood I never had
and memories I’ll never live again.
Going to the Creamery
with my dad and sister
on weekends and
driving to Plush Horse
with my mom and brother and sister
on a rare weeknight
while dad eats his sundae alone.
He sends a picture to our group chat
and suddenly I’m 12 again,
face aglow from my Samsung Galaxy S2,
and I remember too much all at once.
There’s too much I’ve lived through
and too much I will never relive again.
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